Baggy of delight and promise!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Garlic Scapes
Monday, July 5, 2010
Home Made Garlic & Dill Olive Oil Mayonaise
I finally did it. Do you know how many years I have been quietly ruminating over home made mayo? Well, a lot. Of course, once I got started I got a bit cocky and added too much oil right after everything initially emulsified, so I had to start over, and go on to screw it up again. yup. Third try was the charm apparently, or maybe it was that I stopped trying to use the Cuisinart and just got out a bowl and whisk, but for whatever reason it finally worked out, and was amazing.
I'd been a bit reluctant to make the mayo partially because it is such a hallowed food to me. I didn't want to mar the sacred creamy tangy taste that peps so many dry or tired foods. I have been known to go "off" foods for months at a time through some particular bad experience that ruins them for me. Throwing up a sandwich with pickles on sourdough when I was pregnant, for example, put me off both for almost a year. So you can see why I was concerned, how would I function without mayo or olive oil it it turned out horribly wrong? As a preventative measure James suggested I use light olive oil which at least would have a chance of being masked by other flavors, unlike the strong extra virgin stuff I use for everything else.
So, I separated 2 gorgeous orange yolks from the morning eggs (we have 2 Rhode Island Red hens in the front yard) and dumped them in the food processor. I suggest skipping this step and jumping right to the whisk and bowl, but in case you want an exact play by play I will continue... Turn food processor on, begin drizzling 1 cup of light olive oil in through lid. Jump up and down and grin like idiot as it initially emulsifies and you see globs of creamy mayo substance accumulating on sides of container. Pour too much olive oil in too quickly, and see oily goopy liquid mess. Make frowny face. repeat.
Get out a clean bowl and an electric whisk and get 2 more egg yolks into the bowl, start beating, add a teaspoon of the oily goopy liquid from the food processor. When thoroughly incorporated, add another teaspoonful. Continue in this manner, carefully doling out the contents of the food processor into the bowl, never adding more until the previous bit is completely integrated, until....voila! You have real mayonnaise!!! Add a pinch of sea salt and the juice of 2 lemons, and there you go. I nervously tasted a finger tip-full, and found it faintly olive-y tasting, but not unpleasantly so. Then add half a grated clove of garlic, and as much torn dill as you please, and I dare you not to close your eyes and hum as you lick the whisk.
I am quite confident in the freshness and healthiness of our egg yolks, but if I was not, or if I were pregnant, I might quick pasteurize the eggs by dipping in simmering water for 30 seconds or so.
I am planning lots of experiments involving various fats (bacon drippings, chicken or duck renderings, etc) and acids, and I guess if any are not really delicious I can thrown in garlic and dill so no one can tell. ;-)
One thing I found a bit odd was how thick/stiff our mayo got. I wonder if that is normal or if it is because I ended up with lots of extra yolks by the time I got done. Anyway, the thickness sure doesn't bother anyone here!
I'd been a bit reluctant to make the mayo partially because it is such a hallowed food to me. I didn't want to mar the sacred creamy tangy taste that peps so many dry or tired foods. I have been known to go "off" foods for months at a time through some particular bad experience that ruins them for me. Throwing up a sandwich with pickles on sourdough when I was pregnant, for example, put me off both for almost a year. So you can see why I was concerned, how would I function without mayo or olive oil it it turned out horribly wrong? As a preventative measure James suggested I use light olive oil which at least would have a chance of being masked by other flavors, unlike the strong extra virgin stuff I use for everything else.
I am quite confident in the freshness and healthiness of our egg yolks, but if I was not, or if I were pregnant, I might quick pasteurize the eggs by dipping in simmering water for 30 seconds or so.
I am planning lots of experiments involving various fats (bacon drippings, chicken or duck renderings, etc) and acids, and I guess if any are not really delicious I can thrown in garlic and dill so no one can tell. ;-)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Whole Grilled Salmon
It is salmon season here in the great northwest! Salmon is my favorite fish, followed closely by tuna, so when the opportunity to buy a whole (smallish) salmon for $4.99/lb presented itself I jumped on it. (really, I practically tripped over the shopping cart lunging for it...)
oh. my. god. What a fantastic grilling opportunity. Others may be grilling hot dogs and burgers, but our Independence Day celebration was a bit different this year! I recently watched an episode of BBQ U (Steven Raichlen, of Primal Grill awesomeness) in which he grilled a whole salmon for a wedding feast. There was an aioli dipping sauce which inspired me to finally get around to making my own mayo as well. (It was a success, but should be it's own post I think) So following Raichlen's demonstration, I cut out a cardboard template (really just a narrow rectangle, 1/2 of the bottom of a bottled water box) and wrapped it in aluminum foil. I scaled the skin with a serrated knife by running it against them opposite the direction they lay. It was a messy proposition, luckily I was working on the deck, but I do wish it was done when the rest of the processing happened behind the scenes. At this point I got the grill going, lit all 4 burners on high and closed the top.
After placing the salmon on the "plank" (I'm sure you could use a real plank of wood here, just make sure it hasn't been treated with any nasty chemicals, and soak it in water for an hour or so before grilling) I made slits in the top half and seasoned the fish inside and out with sea salt and black pepper. I drizzled olive oil over the whole thing then and caressed it into the cracks and massaged it over the skin. I couldn't remember which herbs Raichlen used, so I placed dill and rosemary inside the fish and lemon slices in the slits and inside the fish. I thought onion and garlic slices would probably be traditional and tasty, but I wanted pure sweet coral salmon flesh with just the hint of lemon and herb without distraction.
Turned off the center 2 burners and placed salmon on plank on the grill, closed the cover and let cook in the indirect heat for 35 minutes. 35 minutes of anticipation, inhaling the smell of roasting lemon and herbs, and imagining the crisping salty sticky fatty skin shortly to be in my mouth. Thankfully, (though I do think the fat in salmon has such health benefits I rather do wish my family would partake) nobody else wanted any, so I delicately peeled away the skin on the top half, and found it just as I had imagined.
I think all this food fantasizing and imagery has some basis in childhood issues. Perhaps more navel gazing will sort it out eventually. I find that even when I am making healthy choices I over romanticize food, it really shouldn't be such an event. At least not all the time. I am torn between the desire to eat to live (not live to eat!) using food as fuel only, and the real pleasure I get from preparing delicious and inventive foods. I think cooking in all it's forms is a major way that I care for people, food has always been so important to me, makes me feel better, comforts, etc, etc, that part of me feels it must be this way for others, so I can show love for other people by giving them delicious food. I am aware of how awful this is because when I was a child I was under the distinct impression that it would be hurtful or insulting to not overeat a "special" dish that relatives or friends had prepared and I certainly never want my own children to feel pressure to eat when they are not hungry! For this reason I am also hesitant to make certain foods even as special unusual treats for fear that my children will associate them with mommy making something special and thus good/important to eat. I don't want them to have any emotional attachment to cookies, the physical reaction to sweet will certainly be enough. I try hard to focus my creative efforts on cooking tasty, particularly healthy foods that I hope will become lifelong favorites for my family both because of the taste, but also the experience of "mom's home cooking" that gets so many addicted to high carb comfort food.
Back to my salmon! The flesh was cooked perfectly to my taste, almost raw close to the bone, perfectly tender and opaque the rest of the way through. The sea salt and lemon along with the herbs went perfectly with the sweet sea taste. It was a hit with James but Sophia (4) and Maggie (2) were not such fans. I was surprised because generally they have really advanced pallets, but so be it. They like canned salmon plenty! We set aside 5 more servings of just the salmon for the next couple of days (so really it worked out to be a fairly economical meal) and I made quite a mess of my face and hands sucking the fat off the bones and under the fins. I was really too full to finish the skin from the bottom half (plus it wasn't crispy) so I spread it out on the foil plank and wrapped the whole thing in saran. I am going to put it in the oven tomorrow to crisp up so I can have salmon crackling! (omg, swoon!) I also mushed up all the bones and fins into a small pot and covered with water, added the herbs and lemon slices and a splash of white wine vinegar and simmered for a couple of hours to make an absolutely delicious broth, which is in the fridge waiting for me to reheat, add gelatin, and make a sort of aspic. I am smiling giddily thinking about this... You might think the smell of fish bones simmering would be perhaps slightly unpleasant, but it was not. Even James thought it was lovely with the dill and lemon making the house really smell wonderful.
We ate leftover cold grilled zuchini and yellow squash, leftover lemon/olive oil beets (also grilled, will make a separate post) and some sliced cherry tomatoes in olive oil and white wine vinegar.Can you tell we have been grilling quite a lot lately?
The real star on the table (besides the salmon of course!) was the freshly made mayo from our own chicken's yolks and light olive oil. I used lemon juice for the acid, and a bit of lemon zest and garlic. I think there was a bit of olive oil taste, but it was severely overpowered by the garlic so it was not even something I could experiment with this time. I will make another batch soon as we are almost out of this one already and leave it garlic-less to see how we like the olive oil taste. This is a huge breakthrough for me b/c I have been totally daunted by the idea of making my own mayo for years, even though I was familiar with the process. I loooooooove trader joe's organic mayo and it is a huge staple for me, but I hate that it is made with soybean oil, if I can get in the habit of making our own mayo with olive oil or chicken fat (oooh, duck fat perchance?) , etc, I will be very happy.
ok, ok, more on mayo next time!
After placing the salmon on the "plank" (I'm sure you could use a real plank of wood here, just make sure it hasn't been treated with any nasty chemicals, and soak it in water for an hour or so before grilling) I made slits in the top half and seasoned the fish inside and out with sea salt and black pepper. I drizzled olive oil over the whole thing then and caressed it into the cracks and massaged it over the skin. I couldn't remember which herbs Raichlen used, so I placed dill and rosemary inside the fish and lemon slices in the slits and inside the fish. I thought onion and garlic slices would probably be traditional and tasty, but I wanted pure sweet coral salmon flesh with just the hint of lemon and herb without distraction. 
Turned off the center 2 burners and placed salmon on plank on the grill, closed the cover and let cook in the indirect heat for 35 minutes. 35 minutes of anticipation, inhaling the smell of roasting lemon and herbs, and imagining the crisping salty sticky fatty skin shortly to be in my mouth. Thankfully, (though I do think the fat in salmon has such health benefits I rather do wish my family would partake) nobody else wanted any, so I delicately peeled away the skin on the top half, and found it just as I had imagined.
I think all this food fantasizing and imagery has some basis in childhood issues. Perhaps more navel gazing will sort it out eventually. I find that even when I am making healthy choices I over romanticize food, it really shouldn't be such an event. At least not all the time. I am torn between the desire to eat to live (not live to eat!) using food as fuel only, and the real pleasure I get from preparing delicious and inventive foods. I think cooking in all it's forms is a major way that I care for people, food has always been so important to me, makes me feel better, comforts, etc, etc, that part of me feels it must be this way for others, so I can show love for other people by giving them delicious food. I am aware of how awful this is because when I was a child I was under the distinct impression that it would be hurtful or insulting to not overeat a "special" dish that relatives or friends had prepared and I certainly never want my own children to feel pressure to eat when they are not hungry! For this reason I am also hesitant to make certain foods even as special unusual treats for fear that my children will associate them with mommy making something special and thus good/important to eat. I don't want them to have any emotional attachment to cookies, the physical reaction to sweet will certainly be enough. I try hard to focus my creative efforts on cooking tasty, particularly healthy foods that I hope will become lifelong favorites for my family both because of the taste, but also the experience of "mom's home cooking" that gets so many addicted to high carb comfort food.
Back to my salmon! The flesh was cooked perfectly to my taste, almost raw close to the bone, perfectly tender and opaque the rest of the way through. The sea salt and lemon along with the herbs went perfectly with the sweet sea taste. It was a hit with James but Sophia (4) and Maggie (2) were not such fans. I was surprised because generally they have really advanced pallets, but so be it. They like canned salmon plenty! We set aside 5 more servings of just the salmon for the next couple of days (so really it worked out to be a fairly economical meal) and I made quite a mess of my face and hands sucking the fat off the bones and under the fins. I was really too full to finish the skin from the bottom half (plus it wasn't crispy) so I spread it out on the foil plank and wrapped the whole thing in saran. I am going to put it in the oven tomorrow to crisp up so I can have salmon crackling! (omg, swoon!) I also mushed up all the bones and fins into a small pot and covered with water, added the herbs and lemon slices and a splash of white wine vinegar and simmered for a couple of hours to make an absolutely delicious broth, which is in the fridge waiting for me to reheat, add gelatin, and make a sort of aspic. I am smiling giddily thinking about this... You might think the smell of fish bones simmering would be perhaps slightly unpleasant, but it was not. Even James thought it was lovely with the dill and lemon making the house really smell wonderful. 
The real star on the table (besides the salmon of course!) was the freshly made mayo from our own chicken's yolks and light olive oil. I used lemon juice for the acid, and a bit of lemon zest and garlic. I think there was a bit of olive oil taste, but it was severely overpowered by the garlic so it was not even something I could experiment with this time. I will make another batch soon as we are almost out of this one already and leave it garlic-less to see how we like the olive oil taste. This is a huge breakthrough for me b/c I have been totally daunted by the idea of making my own mayo for years, even though I was familiar with the process. I loooooooove trader joe's organic mayo and it is a huge staple for me, but I hate that it is made with soybean oil, if I can get in the habit of making our own mayo with olive oil or chicken fat (oooh, duck fat perchance?) , etc, I will be very happy.
ok, ok, more on mayo next time!
Friday, July 2, 2010
been at this a while
I think I should start out with some real numbers. Honest numbers. Scary ones. Embarrassing ones.
Deep breath.
Ok, this is anonymous right? I think I fiddled with the profile settings enough to maintain privacy.
And you know I wasn't always this fat right? I mean, this happened to me, through injuries and major life changes and moves to suburbia. I would never have let the problem become this bad if I had continued to live in the city and walk as much as I did. right? I mean, I may have flirted with chubbiness prior to the fat explosion when I was 20, but nothing like real obesity. so....there.
I was creeping up to the 180's when I was 19 and met my husband, and moved out of my beloved city, and ended my daily walking habit. Add 10 pounds immediately.
I hurt my back (and began using birth control, something I deeply regret to this day) shortly after this, and by the time I was 21 I was slightly over 200 pounds. This is where the struggle to lose really began. I thought passing 200 on the scale was hitting rock bottom, like an alcoholic at their worst hour, but I really didn't have a clue how to lose the weight. I wasn't helped by brief attempts at high intensity exercise, and got a bit depressed really I think.
By the time I was 22 I had reached the 240's, and was getting ready for our wedding. I stumbled onto a site discussing the Atkins diet, ordered the book, and was converted. The information, encouragement, community, recipes, experience I gained from that site were probably the most valuable in my journey toward health in the last several years. I was able to get down to 220 by the wedding, but once the occasion was over so was the urgency and motivation to stick to the diet. I was having some pretty immature internal hissy fits over the radical changes I had to apply to my eating habits. I had trouble with the concept that I was not going to have the variety I was used to, nor should I consume the quantities I was accustomed to, and this was not going to change even if I managed to get to a specific magic number on the scale.
When I became pregnant with our first child I was back up around 230-240 and hovered there much of the pregnancy, I was too nauseous and afraid to be very lowcarb during the pregnancy, and found myself stress eating (and baking, and eating the baking) toward the end of that pregnancy and I was actually too upset and stressed to find out the actual highest number, but I suspect I was close to 270 when my daughter was born. The next year was very difficult, emotionally adjusting to a colicky baby, finding time to cook anything that was remotely lowcarb and healthy, but I also began to adjust my thinking about "normal" eating, and what I should eat, and what I really am not able to eat.
Before my daughter was born I was a true milk addict. I really would consume a gallon a day unless I limited myself. I told my husband that if our child had a dairy intolerance while breastfeeding they would just have to go on soy formula because there was NO WAY was giving up dairy. I wasn't just being selfish and horrible, I could not imagine NOT consuming dairy, the very thought made me feel shaky and ill. Maternal instinct took over, however, and when my daughter did have terrible gas and colic, I was able to completely give up dairy. I never would have done this for myself, so I am thankful that she gave me a better reason. I have had this experience with each of my children. I may be able to eat yogurt, kefir, cheese, even some cream on my own, but the first year of each child's life seems to necessitate my going completely dairy free.
Thus began my eliminating and thoughtful consideration and study of nutrition and diet. At this point I completely believe that I am not sufficiently evolved to eat foods that are not those that a hunter gatherer had access to.That said, I greatly enjoy some things that are certainly not paleo, and so long as they do not cause me or my children discomfort or distress I am happy to partake and will include them in my diet and blog. When I am not nursing a newborn I regularly consume small amounts of cheese and fermented or cultured dairy without problems or restarting the weird milk addiction thing. I have not been able to drink milk since I gave it up almost 5 years ago. I have had some raw cow's milk without problems, but it doesn't trigger a need to have milk and I found myself not even bothering to drink it, I don't particularly like milk apparently unless I am trying to avoid withdrawal symptoms. If I had easy access to raw cream I would absolutely use it in decaf coffee, but I don't, so it isn't really an option. I find almond milk a tasty occasional drink, but usually am not bothered to keep it in the house, and it is too watery to lighten coffee adequately for my taste. I have tried coconut milk as well, doesn't incorporate well, hemp/multi nut vegan substitute was just vile, etc, etc. Unfortunately if I want to enjoy a coffee these days I must resort to soy or corn derivatives that usually makes me kind of unhappy about the whole idea and ruins an otherwise enjoyable treat.
I don't know that I have an actual physical problem with wheat or gluten, but I sure have issues with it. It may stem from the foods I was raised on, or the manner in which I ate them, or any number of childhood experiences I should probably deal with in therapy, but hey, blogging is a cheaper and more efficient way for me to blurt out all kinds of personal details that have led me to where I am and lets me examine them in my own way. I get really ugly around pasta. My body has also gotten really ugly around, by and from pasta. You know that episode of Dr. Who? The last Christmas special with David Tennant, where the Master comes back and zombie chants "I'm hungry.... I'm hungry...." and gobbles up food in an entirely disgusting way. Not dissimilar from a greasy vacuum and with sounds to match? yeah. That is me over a pot of pasta. At the stove. It's beyond gross. And essentially uncontrollable. I used to just be disgusted with myself and my pathetic lack of will power, but I have found that after giving it up completely (even "fake" versions like dreamfields) for a few months, I have zero problem turning it down. Seriously, no problem. Since I have become aware of the enormous difference in putting the fork down between 1 bite and no bites, I just skip it. Why should it take super human strength to just stop eating when it isn't really that difficult at all once the offending substance is out of my system? I have a lot of compassion for people who feel like they "can't give up X" and habitually overeat. Many people might assume that because they stop eating at a "reasonable" serving size anyone who does not is showing a lack of character or is not trying hard enough, or whatever.
Unfortunately, I have to say, if you find yourself saying the phrase "I could never give up ______", you probably need to do so. I don't really understand the mechanics of the whole problem, if I was gluten intolerant I would think that the time I went completely gluten free for months and months would have been a time of unparalleled health and energy, devoid of the (suspected) autoimmune pain I was experiencing. I can eat sprouted grain sandwich bread if it's convenient now without experiencing binge cravings or aches or anything, or even the gluten heavy lowcarb wraps or bread products. I just don't find them very appealing. But heaven forbid I take a bite of my particularly good freshly baked sourdough (I really do enjoy baking, and unfortunately seem to have a bit of an aptitude for it) I can count on serious difficulty not eating the entire loaf, and fantasizing about it for the next several days of withdrawal symptoms.
I refuse to go through life experiencing such awful things, being out of control, and fat to boot! I deserve to feel good and happy and be able to wear my baby boy in my woven wrap without a huge belly in the way. (It's complicated, I may show pictures to explain, but the point is I have been wearing my kids since they were born and never been able to do certain carries or wrap comfortably with certain length wraps and it is a goal of mine to look and feel as fit as other active "crunchy" moms.) I am much happier with myself now, even at this weight (currently 234, 3 months post birth, 2 months healthy eating) and my confidence and maturity seem to have evolved, just having a healthy lifestyle now will get me where I need to be. If it takes several years to get to an ultimate goal weight or if it happens overnight, I need to live this way and I accept that.
Deep breath.
Ok, this is anonymous right? I think I fiddled with the profile settings enough to maintain privacy.
And you know I wasn't always this fat right? I mean, this happened to me, through injuries and major life changes and moves to suburbia. I would never have let the problem become this bad if I had continued to live in the city and walk as much as I did. right? I mean, I may have flirted with chubbiness prior to the fat explosion when I was 20, but nothing like real obesity. so....there.
I was creeping up to the 180's when I was 19 and met my husband, and moved out of my beloved city, and ended my daily walking habit. Add 10 pounds immediately.
I hurt my back (and began using birth control, something I deeply regret to this day) shortly after this, and by the time I was 21 I was slightly over 200 pounds. This is where the struggle to lose really began. I thought passing 200 on the scale was hitting rock bottom, like an alcoholic at their worst hour, but I really didn't have a clue how to lose the weight. I wasn't helped by brief attempts at high intensity exercise, and got a bit depressed really I think.
By the time I was 22 I had reached the 240's, and was getting ready for our wedding. I stumbled onto a site discussing the Atkins diet, ordered the book, and was converted. The information, encouragement, community, recipes, experience I gained from that site were probably the most valuable in my journey toward health in the last several years. I was able to get down to 220 by the wedding, but once the occasion was over so was the urgency and motivation to stick to the diet. I was having some pretty immature internal hissy fits over the radical changes I had to apply to my eating habits. I had trouble with the concept that I was not going to have the variety I was used to, nor should I consume the quantities I was accustomed to, and this was not going to change even if I managed to get to a specific magic number on the scale.
When I became pregnant with our first child I was back up around 230-240 and hovered there much of the pregnancy, I was too nauseous and afraid to be very lowcarb during the pregnancy, and found myself stress eating (and baking, and eating the baking) toward the end of that pregnancy and I was actually too upset and stressed to find out the actual highest number, but I suspect I was close to 270 when my daughter was born. The next year was very difficult, emotionally adjusting to a colicky baby, finding time to cook anything that was remotely lowcarb and healthy, but I also began to adjust my thinking about "normal" eating, and what I should eat, and what I really am not able to eat.
Before my daughter was born I was a true milk addict. I really would consume a gallon a day unless I limited myself. I told my husband that if our child had a dairy intolerance while breastfeeding they would just have to go on soy formula because there was NO WAY was giving up dairy. I wasn't just being selfish and horrible, I could not imagine NOT consuming dairy, the very thought made me feel shaky and ill. Maternal instinct took over, however, and when my daughter did have terrible gas and colic, I was able to completely give up dairy. I never would have done this for myself, so I am thankful that she gave me a better reason. I have had this experience with each of my children. I may be able to eat yogurt, kefir, cheese, even some cream on my own, but the first year of each child's life seems to necessitate my going completely dairy free.
Thus began my eliminating and thoughtful consideration and study of nutrition and diet. At this point I completely believe that I am not sufficiently evolved to eat foods that are not those that a hunter gatherer had access to.That said, I greatly enjoy some things that are certainly not paleo, and so long as they do not cause me or my children discomfort or distress I am happy to partake and will include them in my diet and blog. When I am not nursing a newborn I regularly consume small amounts of cheese and fermented or cultured dairy without problems or restarting the weird milk addiction thing. I have not been able to drink milk since I gave it up almost 5 years ago. I have had some raw cow's milk without problems, but it doesn't trigger a need to have milk and I found myself not even bothering to drink it, I don't particularly like milk apparently unless I am trying to avoid withdrawal symptoms. If I had easy access to raw cream I would absolutely use it in decaf coffee, but I don't, so it isn't really an option. I find almond milk a tasty occasional drink, but usually am not bothered to keep it in the house, and it is too watery to lighten coffee adequately for my taste. I have tried coconut milk as well, doesn't incorporate well, hemp/multi nut vegan substitute was just vile, etc, etc. Unfortunately if I want to enjoy a coffee these days I must resort to soy or corn derivatives that usually makes me kind of unhappy about the whole idea and ruins an otherwise enjoyable treat.
I don't know that I have an actual physical problem with wheat or gluten, but I sure have issues with it. It may stem from the foods I was raised on, or the manner in which I ate them, or any number of childhood experiences I should probably deal with in therapy, but hey, blogging is a cheaper and more efficient way for me to blurt out all kinds of personal details that have led me to where I am and lets me examine them in my own way. I get really ugly around pasta. My body has also gotten really ugly around, by and from pasta. You know that episode of Dr. Who? The last Christmas special with David Tennant, where the Master comes back and zombie chants "I'm hungry.... I'm hungry...." and gobbles up food in an entirely disgusting way. Not dissimilar from a greasy vacuum and with sounds to match? yeah. That is me over a pot of pasta. At the stove. It's beyond gross. And essentially uncontrollable. I used to just be disgusted with myself and my pathetic lack of will power, but I have found that after giving it up completely (even "fake" versions like dreamfields) for a few months, I have zero problem turning it down. Seriously, no problem. Since I have become aware of the enormous difference in putting the fork down between 1 bite and no bites, I just skip it. Why should it take super human strength to just stop eating when it isn't really that difficult at all once the offending substance is out of my system? I have a lot of compassion for people who feel like they "can't give up X" and habitually overeat. Many people might assume that because they stop eating at a "reasonable" serving size anyone who does not is showing a lack of character or is not trying hard enough, or whatever.
Unfortunately, I have to say, if you find yourself saying the phrase "I could never give up ______", you probably need to do so. I don't really understand the mechanics of the whole problem, if I was gluten intolerant I would think that the time I went completely gluten free for months and months would have been a time of unparalleled health and energy, devoid of the (suspected) autoimmune pain I was experiencing. I can eat sprouted grain sandwich bread if it's convenient now without experiencing binge cravings or aches or anything, or even the gluten heavy lowcarb wraps or bread products. I just don't find them very appealing. But heaven forbid I take a bite of my particularly good freshly baked sourdough (I really do enjoy baking, and unfortunately seem to have a bit of an aptitude for it) I can count on serious difficulty not eating the entire loaf, and fantasizing about it for the next several days of withdrawal symptoms.
I refuse to go through life experiencing such awful things, being out of control, and fat to boot! I deserve to feel good and happy and be able to wear my baby boy in my woven wrap without a huge belly in the way. (It's complicated, I may show pictures to explain, but the point is I have been wearing my kids since they were born and never been able to do certain carries or wrap comfortably with certain length wraps and it is a goal of mine to look and feel as fit as other active "crunchy" moms.) I am much happier with myself now, even at this weight (currently 234, 3 months post birth, 2 months healthy eating) and my confidence and maturity seem to have evolved, just having a healthy lifestyle now will get me where I need to be. If it takes several years to get to an ultimate goal weight or if it happens overnight, I need to live this way and I accept that.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Why now? Why Paleo?
I have other blogs to talk about general life, my hobbies and interests, but I think one place to keep track of my eating and recipes would be helpful. I also have recently gotten really into photography and I think it would be awesome to have good photos of all the food I like here so I can scan over it and get inspired when I may not really want to make the healthiest choice. (I know! Who would imagine this does actually happen from time to time?) Having lost about 80 lbs 2 years ago, (wow, I never actually wrote/said that out loud, kind of a bigger number than it felt like...) I regained much of it during a cross country move and pregnancy. SO, although I have been pretty much a serious lowcarb advocate for the past several years, I am not the best at sticking to my guns all the time (clearly!) and I am making a serious plan for this time to be the last time I have to actually lose this weight.
I find maintenance much more intense emotionally than actually losing, it is just plain hard. all the time. At least it was before, though I felt I had a good mindset at the time and was aware of the challenge. Actually losing weight, even if slowly, is a process, with an end goal to look forward to, ongoing rewards (looser clothing, more energy, etc...) while maintaining is just kind of depressing. Yes, of course there is motivation for maintaining just as for weight loss, but that immature little voice inside is a lot harder to shut up or reason with once you feel pretty good and don't have immediate health issues threatening because of extra body fat. You know, that voice that says "but other people get to eat wheat and junk without becoming obese, just a little won't hurt, it isn't fairrrrrrrrrr, it's a special occasion, you deserve it." you know that voice?
Anyway, the accountability of blogging has been fantastic for certain other pursuits of mine, so I am hoping it does the trick for my way of eating as well. Although I have been at this (more on than "off" so to speak) for about 6 years, I have not yet found a way to maintain either the serious weight loss or a mature attitude about what I can and cannot eat. I give myself permission now to screw up (as will happen from time to time I am sure) and then come back and get on with things. The key will be to minimize the damage from off plan eating by keeping the occasions short (note to self: avoid month long binges...) and infrequent. Saying "well, I've screwed up now, so why bother" has led me much farther from the path than accepting that a slip up has occurred but must be counteracted (hellish though the after shocks and carb cravings may be) as soon as possible.
I also want to remember to post motivations. I get bogged down in day to day food drudgery when I get a bad attitude about how (apparently) limited my options are, or how tough it can be to avoid certain things an have a "normal" life. I cannot in good conscience allow my kids to eat the garbage many of their peers consume in front of them, nor can I eat with other adults at most restaurants, etc... I have to remember (and be positive about!) how different our family is from most and keep in mind that it is for good reason. I must keep in mind that by doing what I do, and abstaining from various items, I am being the mom I want to be, even if I am not as thin as I want to be yet. If I give up it will never happen, if I live as though I am that person already, I am halfway there.
I find maintenance much more intense emotionally than actually losing, it is just plain hard. all the time. At least it was before, though I felt I had a good mindset at the time and was aware of the challenge. Actually losing weight, even if slowly, is a process, with an end goal to look forward to, ongoing rewards (looser clothing, more energy, etc...) while maintaining is just kind of depressing. Yes, of course there is motivation for maintaining just as for weight loss, but that immature little voice inside is a lot harder to shut up or reason with once you feel pretty good and don't have immediate health issues threatening because of extra body fat. You know, that voice that says "but other people get to eat wheat and junk without becoming obese, just a little won't hurt, it isn't fairrrrrrrrrr, it's a special occasion, you deserve it." you know that voice?
Anyway, the accountability of blogging has been fantastic for certain other pursuits of mine, so I am hoping it does the trick for my way of eating as well. Although I have been at this (more on than "off" so to speak) for about 6 years, I have not yet found a way to maintain either the serious weight loss or a mature attitude about what I can and cannot eat. I give myself permission now to screw up (as will happen from time to time I am sure) and then come back and get on with things. The key will be to minimize the damage from off plan eating by keeping the occasions short (note to self: avoid month long binges...) and infrequent. Saying "well, I've screwed up now, so why bother" has led me much farther from the path than accepting that a slip up has occurred but must be counteracted (hellish though the after shocks and carb cravings may be) as soon as possible.
I also want to remember to post motivations. I get bogged down in day to day food drudgery when I get a bad attitude about how (apparently) limited my options are, or how tough it can be to avoid certain things an have a "normal" life. I cannot in good conscience allow my kids to eat the garbage many of their peers consume in front of them, nor can I eat with other adults at most restaurants, etc... I have to remember (and be positive about!) how different our family is from most and keep in mind that it is for good reason. I must keep in mind that by doing what I do, and abstaining from various items, I am being the mom I want to be, even if I am not as thin as I want to be yet. If I give up it will never happen, if I live as though I am that person already, I am halfway there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)